Tomorrow, the love of my life and I will celebrate 28 years of marriage. How can this be? We still feel like we are in our twenties. But, no, it’s our children who are in their twenties. That puts 28 years in perspective. Together we’ve raised two boys, adults now, with great careers and loving, beautiful (inside and out) brides. Patrick and Shandi have been married for two years. Trevor and Rachel just two months. What values do we hope we’ve passed along?
A generation ago, 28 years wouldn’t seem like a big deal. Most couples made it that long. These days? Not so much. So today I’ve been pondering what has made our marriage a lasting one. Because we’ll be the first to tell you, it hasn’t always been great. By a long shot. Like every married couple, we’ve experience HUGE disappointments in each other. There have been nights we went to bed not really liking each other. We heartily disagreed on some parenting issues, and we’ve had seasons in which we did not feel very connected.
But through it all, we put Christ in the center. We made a commitment on that altar 28 years ago to God as well as to each other. So when things were rough, even when we thought we couldn’t persevere, we honored that commitment to our Lord, despite how we felt about each other.
In Louisiana announcing our engagement in 1986.
I realize that many of you reading this have experienced divorce despite your very best efforts to have a successful marriage. I’m not casting any judgment your way. I know that divorce is heart-breaking, and I’m so sorry for your pain. I don’t claim to have all the answers to having a successful, long-lasting marriage. But I do have a few thoughts that I’d like share with our children, and with you. Things that have kept our marriage strong. Some of these keys have been evident in our marriage for many, many years. Others we grew to value as we matured. Thank goodness!
Serving others together (Rwanda 2012).
10 KEYS TO A LASTING MARRIAGE
1. Don’t Avoid Conflict
I’ll be honest. Tom is much better at this than I am. I’m so thankful my partner isn’t willing to sweep difficult subjects under the rug. He refuses. I don’t always like it when we have to address the tough stuff, but I know in my heart that it’s imperative. Because what gets swept under the rug isn’t forgotten. It festers and reeks; it taints and poisons relationships. But when it’s brought into the light of day, it has no power. We eventually toss it right out of our lives because we deal with head on.
Tweet This2. Don’t Pick at Each Other
I think it’s human nature to want to point out the faults in our spouse. I’m pretty sure that after the first lovey-dovey year of marriage, I spent the next 15 or so trying to change things that bothered me about Tom. Sort of picking at him, nagging him. But, ya know, that’s just a losing battle! I don’t think my picking or nagging ever changed a single behavior in my husband. That’s not to say we don’t change and grow together. We have. But that’s different than trying to change your spouse and his or her habits.These days, I try to overlook the little things he does differently than I do. And he does the same for me. When I’m tempted to point out his faults, I try to instead focus on my own.
If there were something for him to pick at me about back in the day, perhaps it would be my fashion taste?
3. Choose the Best Timing for Hard Conversations
I figured out long, long ago that if we had to discuss something that, let’s say, doesn’t promise to be fun, then it’s best to carefully choose my timing. Even though I may be tempted to discuss over dinner after Tom has had a hard day at work, I wait. I wait for the opportunity to talk when we are both relaxed and not pre-occupied. No need to have life’s other burdens affect the hard conversation at hand.
4. If It’s Important to You, Just Do It
This seems like a no-brainer, but it took us years to figure this out. If I am a stickler for spotless kitchen counters but he is not, then I just make keeping them clean my job. If he values having extremely clean cars more than I do, then he takes that responsibility. Trust me, this is a far better solution than the alternative of griping and nagging your spouse.
5. Don’t Leave the House Angry
This has been something sacred in our marriage. In times of conflict, we have a no-storming-away-in-the-car policy. Sometimes we have needed a time for “cooling off” before we continued a discussion. But that can be done in a different room. Neither of us has ever watched the other drive away angry, wondering where they were going or when they would return. There is security in knowing that this is simply something we don’t do in our marriage.
Just being silly.
6. Have Fun Together
I’m blessed to be married to a man who prioritizes fun. And I’m not talking about big, fancy vacations (though those are nice!). Tom makes fun a priority in the little things. He loves enjoying activities together, even if it’s just sitting by the pool with a nice beverage or taking the dogs for a walk. When our kids were young, we wouldn’t just watch a movie at home. He’d buy Coke, popcorn and movie theatre candy. Over dinner he regularly asked the kids for their top 5 things that happened that day. The best way to describe the “fun” I’m referring to is this: putting in a little extra effort to make ordinary activities a bit more special and memorable. I love this about my husband!
On a family adventure. (2010)
7. Dream Together
Every January we go out for a special dinner, talk about the highlights of our last year and discuss our dreams for the coming year and after. Some of our dreams become reality and some don’t. Sometimes we have the same dreams and desires, other times they differ. But we encourage the passions of each other and we have fun dreaming about what the future looks like.
Watching our eldest marry his high school sweetheart.
8. Build Each Other Up
Tom and I have always built each other up. Encouraged each other. Celebrated each other’s wins. He’s my biggest fan, and I am his. When I’m excited about something, I become ridiculously single-minded, focused and passionate. He never says things like, “That’ll never happen” or “I don’t see why that’s important to you.” He may not share my passion, but he encourages mine. This makes me feel confident, secure and loved.
Celebrating the new marriage of our youngest to the girl of his dreams.
9. Live in Authentic Community with Others
When Tom and I were young, we walked through a really difficult season in marriage together. And we walked it alone. Even though we were in a small group at our church, we kept our problems to ourselves. I think it was pride. Did we really want to admit to the other couples who seemed to have perfect marriages that ours just wasn’t? So we walked through it in isolation, and the struggles took years to heal. We weren’t meant to live life alone. God puts a few people in each of our lives for the purpose of being real with each other. When we began to live in authentic community with others, we realized that they were there to cheer us on and support us through difficulties. We also realized that those other marriages are far from perfection themselves. Every marriage will have to weather some storms, both big and small. Knowing we’re not alone, knowing we are prayed for by a few very dear friends… it’s powerful. God has used other couples in ways I could never have fathomed, and for that I’m so grateful!
10. Prioritize Finding Activities You Enjoy Together
Now that we are empty nesters, this value is paying off in dividends. We sowed the seeds of finding things to do together long before the boys left the nest. This is so important! If the only thing you do together is watch T.V., then your empty nest season is going to be LONG. And lonely. If you are still raising your kids, find activities now that you both enjoy. Make those activities a priority. Then, when the kids leave home, you’ll already have a routine of spending time together doing something you love.
xoxo,
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I am so happy for you two! You guys are so good together and these 10 things you listed are really important. I am so glad that both of you were willing to cooperate and do them together because that is one of the most important things that a couple can do. Without open, honest communication, and often times done so in a group or with a counselor, I don’t think two couples can stay together. I am so proud of you guys!
Thanks, Mom!
Happy Anniversary. 28 years is fabulous.
Those 10 things are perfect.
Happy Anniversary you all!! Thanks for sharing the 10 things!! You are an inspiration!
Thank you, sweet Gina!
This is actually a really sensible list! I don’t mean to sound surprised but people do write a lot of nonsense on the internet!
We are just coming up to 23 years so a little behind you but I have to agree with almost everything you say. I especially love your no. 4 – so true and so good for conflict avoidance, you can’t make your priority someone else’s.
Of course the biggest key to a lasting marriage is marrying the right person, but once you’ve done that the rest of your list kicks in!
I think it’s also good every now and again to find something you can both laugh about till the tears are rolling (I imagine your amazing 80’s/early 90’s floral extravaganza might be something you can laugh about together now!!! I had something similar myself so I don’t judge, but it did make me chuckle!)
Thank you so much for your encouraging words, Julie!
Happy 28th – Great read and great advice!
Love you, kiddo!! xoxo
Miss you!
Congrats on 28 years! Loved seeing all of your old family pictures, too, how cool! Sounds like you guys have shared a lot of adventures and life together–as someone much newer to the whole marriage thing (going on 5 years…) I thank you for the advice!
First off, Happy Anniversary!!! 🙂
Secondly, I love, love this post! I tried to pick my favorite one, but I can’t, they are all good. I had to smile at #6 (have fun together) because last night at dinner, as the three of us were laughing so hard we were crying (about what, I cannot even remember!), my daughter said, “Why do we always have so much fun at dinner?!” Kinda made my whole summer! 🙂
Love it, Wendy! Thanks for stopping by!
Happy Anniversary! This is a wonderful list full of great advice. My husband and I are only slightly behind you as we will be celebrating 24 years in October, and I agree with all that you said. Although we are not quite “empty nesters” yet, I can see how the time and effort we have put into strengthening and building our relationship over the years will bless us in the future. You are a great example for your children and an inspiration to many. Thanks for sharing.
Happy Anniversary! I really enjoyed reading your tips to a lasting marriage. My first marriage did not work out the way I wanted it to, but now that I am in a commented loving relationship these 10 keys are just what we need to stay on track! Thank you so much for sharing your years of experience.
Gina Marie from Always Savory
Thank you for stopping by, Gina!
So many great tips here! My husband and I have only been married two years but have already seen so much of this to be true, especially when it comes to making sure to address conflict but at times that aren’t already stressful. Thanks for sharing all this wisdom! You and your husband are a beautiful couple!
Thank you, Lauren!
Wonderful post and I love those sweet photos you used.
Glad you stopped by, Hollie!
These are really great tips, it’s great that you are passing these things along to your children, sometimes it seems like love will conquer all, growing up we don’t see all the work that goes into a marriage. And I love how your photos progressed, congratulations on finding the perfect partner for you, one with the same commitment to your marriage!
Thank you so much, Nikki!
Congratulations. And thank you for the great advice. We are 8 years in with two young children and it is tough at times. Your advice is very welcome. It is easy to get so bogged down in the day to day child-rearing that we forget to take a breath and remember to have fun together.
Thank you for visiting and for you encouraging words!
Congrats on 28 years! I love hearing about couples who have stuck it out and made their relationship a priority. This is such a great list! My partner and I are coming up on 10 years, and I was happy to see that many of these things are already a part of our lives!
Glad I found you through the Wine’d Down Wednesday link-up!
Thanks for stopping by, Brandyn!
Such a beautiful post and congratulations! we in our 7th year!! Thank you for sharing and joining our Oh My Heartsie Girl Wordless Wednesday Link Party. Have a great day, co-host Evija @Fromevijawithlove
Visiting from Thursday’s Favorite Things Blog Hop, having two little ones finding time to do activities together can be challenging but we should make more of an effort. I also do not consider watching TV quality time together so time to turn it off and go do something! It’s pretty easy to have fun together as a family thought!
Thank you for visiting, Hil, and have a blessed day!
What a heartwarming post! I don’t even personally know you but you two seem perfect together! Congratulations on 28 wonderful years together!
xoxo
Lisa @ Fun Money Mom
Andrea–I love your heart in this post! Congratulations on 28 years of marriage! You share not only what has worked but also the fact that we’re all not perfect and have our shortcomings. The throwback photos are hilarious as well!
Thank you so much for sharing this at the Frugal Crafty Home Blog Hop! {This is going to be one of my featured posts at next week’s party!}
Congratulations on 28 years of marriage, what a wonderful milestone. You have some great points as well and I appreciate you sharing them with us at Good Morning Mondays. Blessings
Ha! I LOVE your fashion sense! Thanks so much for sharing this helpful post with us at the Inspire Me Mondays Link-Up. It’s always so uplifting to hear from couples who have truly got it all together and are willing to share!
These are great tips…and I know that some of them do work! Thanks for sharing at Merry Monday:-)
Oh my! Great post! Pinned and tweeted. Please join us tonight at 7 pm, and party with us. I can’t wait to see your new masterpieces or amazing classics! Lou Lou Girls
Happy Anniversary! What an amazing feat 28 years! You definitely have a thing to two you can teach the rest of us! I really agree with all of your points and there a few I need to make a better effort on myself. Thank you so much for sharing at Dream. Create. Inspire. Link! I hope we’ll see you there again tonight!
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