An Unwanted Journey for Which I’m Now Grateful (Plus Where I’ve Been Lately!)

You may have noticed I’ve been “gone” for most of the year.
I’ve been on a long journey. This is my story.  

For my entire adult life, I’ve been a glass-half-full kind of gal. Being positive, optimistic and happy comes, quite honestly, naturally for me. And why wouldn’t it? I truly live a charmed life. (And I have a Facebook page that proves it, right? 😉) 

Adoring, loving, handsome, fun husband and best friend.

Two incredible, loving, 20-something sons who make me proud and who have found their life’s calling career-wise and have married godly, talented, fun and beautiful girls that I get to call my daughters.

An abundance of friends and family that laugh with me, love me and encourage me.

The opportunity to pursue my passion and call it “work.” I was even preparing to launch my first online course to teach other bloggers how to grow their business.

THEN WHY IN MID FEBRUARY DID I FIND MYSELF SLIPPING INTO DEPRESSION FOR THE SECOND TIME IN FOUR YEARS?

In 2013 I suffered a debilitating depression that lasted from February until September, when I learned that Tom and I would be relocating to from Texas to California. The demands of the impending move snapped me right out of the depression. I hadn’t pursued therapy during the entire bout, and I gladly embraced the end of the depression without asking any hard questions. Without understanding why the depression had happened.

I didn’t pursue therapy because, like said, I really lived a charmed life. A life blessed by God beyond anything I could possibly ask for. “What on earth would I even discuss with a therapist,” I often wondered. And like this past February, I had NO IDEA why I was depressed.

But when depression came calling for me again this year, I knew that there MUST be a reason, even if I had absolutely no idea what it was. And when I was still struggling a few weeks later, I was ready to actively pursue whatever would heal me. I was determined not to lose another chunk of my life to depression.

About that time, I forced myself to attend a business conference despite the fact that I really didn’t want to go. There, I met a new friend and confided about how I was feeling. She instantly said, “You HAVE to see Dr. Mcayla!“ I had heard of Dr. Mcayla before, that she practiced in Orange County using a modality called EMDR that is different than traditional talk therapy, and that she was helping people to get “unstuck” and to transform their lives. 

Note that I mentioned her practice is in Orange County… that’s a couple of hours away from where I live. That — and the fact that her one-and-a-half hour sessions come with a price tag that felt a bit out of my reach —led me to procrastinate for a couple of more weeks. 

Then I learned that my business mentor was flying across the entire country to spend a week in one of Dr. Mcayla’s Five Day Intensives. This second endorsement from a friend, coupled with my spiraling depression, made me realize that I had to figure out a way to see this therapist.

Spending an entire day every week to drive to Orange County for my session wasn’t too much of an obstacle. After all, my lack of motivation meant I wasn’t really working on my business. And the cost… well I knew Tom and I would simply have to reprioritize some things so that I could get well.

What My Depression Looked Like

I’ll take a moment to share what depression looks like and doesn’t look like for me. First, I want you to know that on even the worst of days, I never felt hopeless, never wanted to end it all. I’m so thankful that I was spared those kinds of feelings in the depths of my depression. Many sufferers of depression have to deal with that daily.

For me, depression meant lack of joy, absolutely ZERO motivation to do anything that required effort (most notably, my work and exercise), disengaging from family and friends, and feeling far from God. It was like living life in a physical and spiritual void. And I felt very ALONE.

What I’ve Learned in My Journey Through and Back Out of Depression

After weekly therapy sessions for over six months, I’m happy to report that my depression has lifted and I’ve healed tremendously. I’VE LEARNED SO MUCH! Way too much to really convey in a single blog post. In so many ways, I feel like a completely different person. Like I’m looking at life through new lenses that aren’t distorted or foggy.

The way I interact with others, respond to stressful situations, and deal with conflict have radically changed. And best of all, it all has come naturally. I don’t have to try to think, act or respond differently. I just AM different. There is still more for me to learn, and I am ready!

Today, I want to share a few of the most important things the Lord has revealed to me along this journey.

1. There is no “recipe” in life that will lead to the predictable outcome I desire.

I know, alot of you figured that out a LONG time ago. But not me. I didn’t realize it, but I had created and closely followed “recipes” in my marriage, my parenting, my friendships, and my business. Until May of this year (during an EMDR session), I never realized I had carefully created and was actively pursuing these recipes.

For example, want the perfect marriage? No problem! Love the Lord, honor each other, have fun together, go to church and life group, never go to bed angry, agree that divorce is NEVER part of the recipe… on and on the list went. But wait! There is no such thing as the perfect marriage! There will be disappointments, struggles and conflict. My “happy marriage recipe” was certainly setting me up for disappointment. Tom and I have been blessed with 30 amazing years of a mostly amazing marriage. But PERFECT? Nope.

My successful parenting recipe? The boys would attend Christian school, have nightly dinner as a family, take fun family vacations, serve the less fortunate through mission trips and local outreach, play sports, get a job at 16 to instill a good work ethic, go to college… you get the picture. 

I also had a recipe for business success. Find my passion, work in an area with great meaning, work hard, do what I say I will do, accept and learn from the inevitable failures along the way, attend conferences and listen to business podcasts to continually learn and become better at what I do, share my successes to encourage others that they, too, can successfully pursue their dreams.

Without even consciously being aware of it, I was carefully following recipes I’d concocted in every single aspect of my life. As though I was perfectly in control of all of it. So how did I handle all the life disappointments I was trying so hard to prevent? I would just tweak the recipe to adjust for the more desirable outcome and then go on my merry way.

I wasn’t consciously aware of all this because this was all in the background — in my subconscious. I didn’t realize that every major disappointment or failure had dealt a huge blow to me. I had no idea that, in reality, I have no control over —  and no super power to prevent — the inevitable disappointment, hurt, and trauma we all experience here on earth.

What I know now: I can honestly say that I believe in my heart and mind that there are no life recipes I can trust. It turns out that, just like you, I have little control over whether I’ll have difficulties in life. In fact, they are guaranteed this side of heaven. I’ve learned that when challenges come, I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s just part of life that I need to expect, examine, and then learn from.

2. There’s a “conscious” me and a “subconscious” me, but I was only aware of the former.

Conscious Andrea is happy, encouraging and optimistic. Forgiving, caring and always hopeful. When faced with the not-so-pretty experiences in life, the painful and harsh ones, Conscious Andrea forgives, trusts in God for the future, and of course, tweaks the recipe just a little to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Unfortunately, the natural feelings of disappointment, fear, anger or sadness were just pushed into my subconscious where they waited to rear their ugly heads later through depression. Where they would eventually force me to acknowledge them.

What I know now: It’s a great thing to be an optimist! It’s truly a gift, most of the time. But what I’ve learned is that because of my optimistic, hopeful, forgiving nature, I must learn to identify with and deal with my feelings when faced with difficulties. Thankfully, this now comes naturally more often than it used to. When it doesn’t come naturally, I must intentionally make sure I’m processing experiences in a truthful, healthy way. I’m so excited to have made much headway in this area.

3. We (me and you!) live life based on core beliefs that were formed when we were young. Sometimes, those core beliefs are distorted, and those distortions affect our actions, thoughts and behaviors until we replace them with TRUTH.

Have you ever completely over-reacted to what someone else said? I mean… the kind of over reaction where you are sobbing or seething with anger and wondering what ON EARTH has led you to such an overblown response? I did just that a few months ago when a friend hurt me. I adore my friend and I know she loves me. Yet I found myself crying uncontrollably. At the same time I was crying and hurting, I was also aware that this level of reaction on my part was really bizarre and I had no idea where it came from.

Well, now I know. My response really had little to do with what my friend said. Instead, what she said had triggered something in me — reminded me and reaffirmed to me (subconsciously) — a distorted belief or cognition I had about myself. And that distorted cognition most likely was formed LONG ago, when I was young. It was the wounded, unhealed part of me that was over reacting while the logical part of me was saying, “Why the heck am I completely losing it over this?”

Distorted, untrue cognitions sound like this: 

I’m not good enough. I am not lovable. I am inadequate. I should have known better. I should have done more. It is not okay to feel or show my emotions. It is my fault. I am not in control.

These are just a few of the harmful core beliefs we may be harboring. For me, that last one — I am not in control — has come up over and over again. But in the example I mentioned about my friend, it was definitely a “I’m not good enough” moment.

What I know now: We don’t have to live the rest of our lives responding to what is essentially a lie we have believed. We can, as adults, go back and reassess what led to our distorted cognitions and replace the lies with God’s TRUTH.

For me, this is still very much a work in progress! But I’ve seen so much change in myself, and it’s encouraging and exciting! Again, the changes I’m seeing are not things I even think about. They just happen.

Here’s an example. The other day, I was with a group of people and I was talking with a friend. I realized at one point that she wasn’t listening to me. She was actually tuning in to someone else’s conversation in the group. My immediate thought was, “Wow, she is being rude.” The “old me” would have instead immediately thought, “Yep, here’s more proof I’m not interesting enough, not good enough, to hold my friend’s attention.” What has happened is that I’ve replaced “I’m not good enough” with “I am good enough.” And in the process, my natural, innate response to an “offense” that used to trigger an emotional reaction in me now merely leads to an observation (i.e., “She was rude”).

4. Apparently (who knew?!) I have the right to choose between innumerable options and choices every day of my life. And this fact is so freeing!

I have lived my 54 years under the self-imposed rules of “have to,” “should,” “ought to,” “everyone expects me to,” “what I must do to be a godly woman,” “what others do,” what others expect,” and even more. No one enforced these rules on me. I, alone, imposed them on myself so that I could be the kind of person I thought that God, my family, my friends, my clients and even my online community would expect of me. Goodness, that sounds so utterly ridiculous now! Who could possibly live up to all the expectations I placed upon myself? 

The interesting thing is that I didn’t even realize that I was living under my own dictatorship. I was just operating naturally this way without ever thinking about it. [Scary!]

What I know now: I don’t have to do anything. I choose to do things that are important to me and the ones I love. And the choices that cause stress and pain that I thought I had to do? No more. I have options. Of course I can choose to overdo it on any given day. Or I can choose to postpone an obligation, a meeting or a commitment.

Don’t get me wrong… I will still be me, and being me means wanting to do alot of things. And that’s okay, too! But what I choose to do should be what fits my purpose and my priorities of God, my family and friends, my business goals, and my well-being. If it doesn’t fit into one of those categories, perhaps I’ll opt to say no, or not now. Without feeling guilty. What I do doesn’t determine my value.

Dang, that observation has given me back years of life and taken away such a heavy burden!

Wrapping it Up!

If you are still reading up to this point, I want to thank you… you bless me! Some probably read the first few paragraphs and thought “T.M.I.!” right before they clicked away to something else. And I’m so okay with that! I wrote this for two audiences.

The first is those of you that I know personally or casually. Most of you who know me personally know at least part of the journey I’ve shared today. Thank you for loving me through it! For those of you I know more casually, you may have been wondering what on earth happened! I went from happily creating content, building my business and sharing my life to simply vanishing for a while. It’s something I had to do for myself. But I’m ready to re-engage!

The second audience I wrote this for is those who don’t know me at all but who are struggling with some of the same things I did. I want to hug you and say, “You can get through this!!!!” You truly can. Because anything is possible with God (Matthew 19:26). He loves you and wants to see you through the darkness to the freedom and life he has in store for you. It may not be easy. It will take courage. But freedom and abundant life await you! I encourage you to say YES! and start your own journey.

Next Steps for Those in the Struggle…

I have not gone into depth regarding EMDR therapy because I am not qualified to explain it properly. (If you would like to understand more about this method of therapy, I recommend listening to this podcast where Dr. Mcayla is interviewed by podcaster James Wedmore, who underwent an Intensive with her earlier this year.)

In addition, Dr. Mcayla’s TED Talk is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!

Whether you personally struggle or not, you should take a few minutes to listen to this because I’m quite certain you know someone (mostly like many in your life) who could benefit from this knowledge. Plus, you’ll be blessed by better understanding them!

What I can tell you is that God, through Dr. Mcayla and EMDR therapy, has brought me the healing I’ve shared with you today.

If you think this may be helpful in your own journey, I can suggest a few things. First, if you are anywhere in Southern California, you could pursue therapy with Dr. Mcayla in Orange County. If you are not in SoCal, you could pursue EMDR therapy with someone in your area of the country. (Please note, as a Christian, it was important to me to seek a Christian therapist. The EMDR approach itself isn’t distinctly Christian (or not). Despite that, it was important for me to engage with a counselor who is a believer and to ask for God’s guidance and revelation along the journey of EMDR.)

If therapy simply isn’t an option for you right now, I can recommend two ways you can begin this important journey on your own. First, I highly recommend Dr. Mcayla’s online courses, In Session and UnStuck. I’m working through In Session. It’s very affordable and very impactful!

My second recommendation is Getting Past Your Past by Francine Shapiro, the creator of EMDR. I listen to the audio book while I’m driving, and it has really reinforced what I’ve learned in therapy and helped me to grow even more.

Finally, for those of you who have specific questions or want to know more, please reach out to me! I would love to answer anything I can. 

Again… thank you for listening to my heart. You’ve blessed me!

xoxo,

P.S. Stay tuned for “regularly scheduled programming,” i.e., recipes, crafts, faith, blogging tips and empty nest adventures!